Aftermath

Before I get down to business, I just want to say that "aftermath" is one of my favorite words in the English language. I may never make it on Inside the Actor's Studio, largely because I am not an actor, and as such I may never be asked by any interviewer, his gravitas virtually dripping into his beard, to name my favorite word. But if I was, "aftermath" would be on the short list. It just sounds cool. Plus, it provides a wonderful implication about math - that it can be done later.

Okay, enough of that. Welcome back! I know, it's been a while. You haven't gotten your regular dose of the 'Bulb in a while, and for that I apologize. I've been taking some time to mull over the results of last Tuesday's election. And you know what I discovered? Barack Obama being elected the next President of the United States? Still awesome.

Of course, I could go on and on about what he's been up to since the election, his travel habits, his diet, his meeting with President Bush, how he has looked a little tired in recent appearances (and after nearly two years of brutal campaigning, who wouldn't?), who he has already chosen for his cabinet, who is still left to be chosen, what kind of puppy he's going to get his girls, and so on and so on ad nauseum. But the nice thing about taking a break for a little while is that all the newscasters, anchors, reporters, and pundits who actually get paid to follow this stuff take care of writing about it for me. And so far, they have proven one thing about our President-elect: 24-hour news coverage can suck the excitement out of anything.

Seriously, I was so psyched about Obama winning the election that I was actually hoarse the next day from all the screaming. And how long did those feelings of elation last? Almost through the next day. Granted, my waning excitement can be attributed partially to the passing of three propositions banning same-sex marriage and one banning same-sex couples from adopting children, and I'll get to that in a later post, but that's not it. And sure, I was really pulling for Al Franken to win his Senate seat - still am, incidentally - and having no actual result there is more than a little frustrating, but that's not it, either. Honestly, I blame 24-hour news coverage. While I admire the dedication to journalism, sometimes there just isn't enough news to fill all that time. The election was huge, of course. Lots to talk about there. But if you're talking all day long, even if you factor in time killed by repetition of stories from earlier in the day for the benefit of people just tuning in, you still have to come up with an awful lot to talk about. People dancing in the streets from Boston to Kenya makes for heartwarming stuff, but before too long, everybody has already seen the clips. We know people are happy. We may even be happy ourselves. But it can't last, not the way we're being inundated.

Have you ever tried a new food and thought it was the most delicious thing you've ever eaten? So then you seek it out wherever it can be found, consuming it at every opportunity, until you suddenly find you just don't want it anymore? In fact, the last thing in the world you want to do is eat that food, even if you still believe it's the most fantastic thing ever? That's how I feel about Barack Obama right now. I love the guy, I'm absolutely overjoyed that he won, I think he will make a terrific President, Michelle will be a tremendous First Lady, and their kids will be the most adorable First Kids ever, but if I eat any more of him, I will puke.

We still have over two months before Barack Obama takes office. That's not such a long time, but it is an eternity if you have to talk about it twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. And if you think it's hard on the legitimate news outlets (and for the purposes of this one post, I'm including Fox News in that category), it's even harder on the poor schmoes like me who don't report the news, but rather report on the reporting of the news. I caught The Daily Show last night, and although Jon Stewart was great as always (did you watch him and Colbert on Election Night? Brilliant!), the show just felt flat. Much of the show was about Obama, of course, which meant that we saw plenty of clips from other news organizations as they relentlessly followed him and his family, desperate for anything that could be even remotely considered a story. How he's traveling, for instance (by vehicle, if you were curious). One clip, from Fox News I believe, was of a camera crew endlessly waiting outside the White House to see what Obama would look like when he came out of his meeting with President Bush, only to discover that they were waiting outside the wrong gate, and the President-elect had already left. The news organizations are stalking the Obamas to fill time, and the satirists like The Daily Show have been forced to stalk the news organizations. It's bad enough when people who want to consider themselves serious journalists have to settle for being red carpet commentators at a one-man Oscar preshow, but who wants to watch a show about what the commentators are wearing?

Things were easier on the humorists before the election, of course, when President Bush still had at least a fair share of the spotlight. At least he was always good for a bizarre malapropism or at least a quality awkward silence. Obama is golden, at least for now. The most embarassing thing he's said so far has been confusing the cast of Good Times with the cast of Sanford & Son. And you have to forgive him for that one. It's not Obama's fault if his white half thinks all black people look alike!

(Oh God, I'm going to hell.)

Still, this constant coverage threatens to take the shine off the Obama apple before he even gets sworn in. The public loves celebrities, but we idolize them for shorter and shorter periods of time, now. We get sick of talking about how awesome someone is, and then we quickly move on to how much we hate them, and how we can drag their every private moment through the mud. I really, really don't want to see that happen, here. We need some other news to change the subject. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are still the wars in Afghanistan in Iraq. The economy is still in the crapper. Something needs to happen.

Thankfully, a few people have stepped up to the plate to deliver at least momentary distractions and prove that the most immediate effect of Barack Obama being elected President is not the easing of racial tensions in America, but people's brains breaking.

Leading the country in a way he has failed to do in the last eight years, President Bush started things off with his Election Night call to Obama, in which he congratulated Barack on his victory and on his "good bride." Sadly, reports are unclear as to whether the President then went on to praise Obama for his well-mannered spawn, so we must assume that he did.

But President Bush was not the only national leader who was so flummoxed by Obama's charisma that he temporarily forgot how to speak. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi described Obama as "young, handsome, and tanned." Now, I'm not saying he was wrong on any of those counts, but still, that's just a little iffy. First of all, it sounds like a bit of a come on, but Berlusconi has a history of making flattering remarks about the physical attractiveness of other politicians, so we'll let that one slide. "Tanned," though... that's a tough one. I've never been to Italy, so I don't know, maybe they don't have black people there. But surely the Prime Minister has at least seen them on television. Do they not even have black TV shows and films in Italy (insert "Tyler Perry's House of Panini" joke here)? Does he see them and think, "Mamma mia! How did all those people get so fabulously tan? I must know their secret!"

But you know, it's easy to criticize people from around the world for perhaps being a tad racially insensitive, because we live in a country that is so obsessed with not offending anyone, at least not with anything that could be perceived as racist. I don't think Europeans have the same stick up their asses that we have firmly entrenched in ours. When the Spanish Olympic basketball team posed for a group photo while pulling their eyes into slants, they were surprised when some other nations thought they were being racist assholes. They thought they were just having a good-natured joke with their Chinese hosts. So maybe in Italy it's okay to complement black people on their tans. I'm not sure. Still, I'll let this one go, too. Some things just get lost in translation. And besides, there are some perfectly good instances of people putting their feet in their mouths right here in the U.S. of A.

I'm not the world's biggest fan of Ralph Nader, although I do like him. I think he's dedicated and passionate about overhauling our country's reliance on, and coddling of, giant corporations that treat their employees, and frequently their customers, like crap. I can get behind that. I just don't think he always uses the best judgment. For instance, he stayed in the race all the way to the end in 2000 despite knowing he had no chance of winning, because he wanted to get enough votes to increase the funding for his causes, the largest of which turned out to be running another failed Presidential campaign four years later. He cost Al Gore the election, putting George W. Bush in the White House, and I think Nader himself would agree with me when I say that America under George W. Bush was not a bad place to be if you were a giant corporation who liked treating people like crap. So Nader kind of shot himself in the foot, there.

Again, I respect Ralph Nader for his decades of public service, and I believe in many of his goals. However, just because I am young and hip and I am giving him a nod should not convince Nader that he himself is young and hip. He is neither of those things, nor is he a media darling, or a glamorous icon who can get away with doing and saying anything, and people will just go, "Oh, that's just Ralph." He is a dedicated crusader, but he is far from untouchable. So I don't know what the hell he was thinking when he said about Obama, "he is our first African American President, or he will be. And we wish him well. But his choice, basically, is whether he is going to be Uncle Sam for the people of this country or Uncle Tom for the giant corporations."

Once again, Ralph, your tireless dedication to your cause shines through. Take on the corporations at all times, in all things, without end. But this was Election Night. Less than two hours after Obama had been elected. Obviously, there was much more at stake in this election than just the issue of race. Our country needs a liberal democrat to change things up. But at the same time, it would be foolish to overlook the racial aspect of what happened last Tuesday. A monumental blow was struck for racial equality that will echo in the history of our nation for all time. It was kind of a big deal. So perhaps ol' Ralph could have given it another day or two before referring to the President-elect as "Uncle Tom."

I know, I know. Nader didn't actually call Obama "Uncle Tom," he simply said that time would tell if Obama was going to become an Uncle Tom. Even that he hopes Obama doesn't become an Uncle Tom. Doesn't matter even the tiniest little bit. There are some things you just don't say. It doesn't matter if the "Uncle Sam/Uncle Tom" thing makes a nice sound bite. The words "Uncle Tom" are racially charged. I have never heard the term applied to any non-black person, and I can't imagine a reaction of anything other than puzzlement if it was. Nader couldn't have made this comment if John McCain had been elected. Nor could he have said it about John Kerry if he had won in 2004. It wouldn't have made sense. So let's face it, race was an issue, here. This was not just a comment of, "Okay, we've finally put a genuine liberal in the White House, let's see if he's as good as his word." This was a racially charged statement, and there was absolutely no reason for it to be.

What's even more amazing about this whole thing is that Nader said this little gem on Fox News, an organization that is not typically thought of as being big Obama supporters. And yet, Shepard Smith gave Nader repeated chances to take it back, to apologize, to change his wording, anything. This was one white dude reaching out to another white dude and saying, "No, no! Don't do it! Jesse Jackson will eat your face!" No dice. Nader wouldn't budge. Yowza.

But surely Nader is the only person who has gone on the news and used a totally unnecessary metaphor laden with negative racial implications to talk about Obama, right? Well, not quite. CNN's Jeanne Moos was reporting on the media frenzy following Obama's every move. As the video cut to a clip of an aerial shot following the President-elect riding in an SUV, Moos commented that Obama was "traveling to the airport OJ-style." The allusion, in case you missed it, is to the famous White Bronco car chase in which media outlets filmed a fleeing OJ Simpson from helicopters as he led the police down the freeway. As Jon Stewart so eloquently put it, "OJ Simpson has ruined SUV travel for black people." (A fantastic line that miraculously emerged from the metatextual quagmire of satirical reporting on the reporting of the reporting of Barack Obama's every move.)

What the hell, Jeanne Moos? You couldn't have just said "traveling to the airport?" You didn't call him dropping his daughters off at school, "dropping off his kids Brandee Skinner-style." There was no need for the reference, particularly one that brings up so many memories of the first OJ trial and the introduction of the phrase "race card" into the national lexicon. Christ almighty, people, these are not hard gaffes to avoid.

See, Barack Obama's victory was a massive step forward for race relations in this country, but it also highlights just how far we have to go. We need to overhaul our thinking at the basic level of the language we use. A white politician would have never been referred to as an "Uncle Tom," even in saying that he will hopefully never become one. A white politician who happens to be riding in an SUV would have never been described as traveling "OJ-style," unless the SUV was a White Bronco, which has to now be the least popular car on Earth, or the politician was at least trying to evade the police. We need to learn to talk about Barack Obama not as a black President, but as our President. Sadly, because we can look forward to another two months of reporting on Obama before he actually steps into office and has the chance to actually begin making changes on the governmental level, the racial significance of his election will continue to overshadow the political significance. That means we can continue to look forward to gaffes like these. We need soemthing else to talk about. Either that, or we need the gaffes to be really, really funny.

Way to go, America!

Sort of says it all, doesn't it?

We did it! The largest voter turnout in ninety years stormed the polls and, in a clear and thunderous voice, demanded the change that this country so desperately needed. Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States of America and, in case you hadn't heard, the first African American to get the job. Pretty neat, right?

No, it's not pretty neat! It's FREAKING INCREDIBLE! After multiple elections where young voters expressed their outrage and indignation at a country being stolen out from under them by greedy, rich, old white men, and then failed to show up at the polls to do anything about it, the youngest voters finally showed up. I feel proud beyond measure that I was part of this, and that my generation - my friends and classmates, and their friends and classmates, and so on and so on - delivered this election for Barack Obama. After grappling for so long with the apathy of which our generation has been justly accused, we got off our asses and we made a difference. And everyone who voted in this election, including those who may have never voted before, saw beyond any shred of doubt that when we get involved, when we make the effort, when we stand up for what we believe in, we truly can change the world. For those who made history with their votes yesterday, they will never again question whether it is worth it to take the time out of their day to make it to the polls. A generation just woke up.

This is also a victory for women, who voted in record numbers to put Barack Obama in the White House. In an election where Democrats were forced to choose between a highly qualified black man and a highly qualified white woman as their candidate - a choice that was unquestionably groundbreaking, but also painfully difficult for many voters caught in the middle - the Right sought to draw in disillusioned female voters by dangling Sarah Palin in their faces. By overwhelmingly voting for Obama, women all across America sent a strong message to any politician who would dare to belittle the intelligence and integrity of female voters, telling them, "You cannot simply stick some trophy woman on your ticket and instantly become the party of women's rights. You cannot tell us that you are the pro-women party while simultaneously fighting to limit the rights of women."

It is a victory for the Internet, and for grassroots organizations. It's a victory for community organizers, who are the backbone of our nation and yet were somehow made to feel like what they were doing was trivial by a vicious and desperate Republican campaign. It's a victory for common sense and basic human kindness. For all those who trembled in fear of Obama "redistributing the wealth" like some sort of crazed Marxist, there were far more people who recognized Obama's tax plan for what it is - a means to give help to people who need it, which is the very definition of compassion.

Watching the coverage last night was a harrowing experience, even as the numbers came in in Obama's favor. I couldn't shake visions of things going horribly wrong. A number of websites freely declared Obama the victor up to ninety minutes before any network was willing to do the same, which is a testament to the initiative and vigor of the Internet revolution, but is also perhaps a testament to the fact that websites (like this one, I might add) do not feel the same pressure to be right 100% of the time that more traditional news sources do. The Internet has not had a Heidi moment - referring to NBC's big mistake in 1968 when they cut away from the end of a football game that seemed absolutely certain in order to show Heidi, only for the Raiders to mount one of the all-time greatest comebacks in the last minute of the game, pissing off millions of fans who didn't get to see it - and even if they did, expectations are simply not the same for the Web.

Me, I was feeling much more cautious. I was watching Comedy Central's election special when they made the announcement that Obama won. Okay, but that was Comedy Central. I wasn't ready to celebrate. I switched back over to CNN, and sure enough, they were calling it for Obama. I was still hesitant. Sure, at that point, Obama had the 270 electoral votes he needed, but did he really? In many states, he led by a slim margin, and huge percentages of the votes still needed to be counted. The last count of the popular vote that I had seen placed Obama only a mere one percent ahead of McCain. I trusted CNN to understand the exit polls and have a sense of how the remaining districts in every state would likely shake out, but you never know. Especially in an election as unusual as this one, you just never know. It wasn't until reports came in of McCain calling Obama to concede that the floodgates finally opened and I could actually admit to myself that it was all real, that we actually got this one right.

McCain's concession put to rest my greatest fear - not that McCain/Palin would win, although I think we all know I wasn't exactly pleased with that prospect - but that we would have a repeat of 2000. After running a bitter campaign filled with all the dirty tricks and invective that has characterized the Right in recent memory, I didn't think it was that much of a stretch to imagine McCain fighting for this with every last tool in his arsenal. Particularly since Obama's margin of victory in many states was not a large one and, again, his overall victory in the popular vote was slim (later reports soon showed that Obama's lead was actually not that small at all, but I'm trying to recapture my thought process, here, stick with me), a demand for recounts didn't seem all that impossible. But by conceding when he did, John McCain sent a clear message of his own, that the venom that has characterized his public appearances over the last two years is no longer necessary.

Frankly, I thought John McCain's concession speech was wonderful. And not just wonderful in the "Woo! John McCain is conceding!" sense, but also in the "Hey, that's a nice-ass speech" sense. Despite a tough loss, he seemed more in control of himself than we've seen him in two years, if not more. He spoke without a hint of bitterness and with genuine admiration for the amazing accomplishments that took place. The burning desire to win this election had turned John McCain into the polar opposite of the eminently respectable and thoughtful public servant that he used to be. In order to secure the support of the vocal and powerful neocon wing of his party, McCain had to sacrifice one ideal after another. He reversed so many positions, it's hard to remember where he started. He took on a woefully unqualified and untested running mate that he never would have considered in a hundred years without party pressure to do so. He fought mean and he fought dirty, using the very tricks that destroyed his chances in 2000. The John McCain we've seen throughout this long and arduous process was not the John McCain we once knew, and I was very afraid that it would permanently tarnish both his reputation and his demeanor. His concession speech gave me hope that he may have simply washed his hands of the man he was forced to become. As much as we all know he wanted the Presidency, part of me wonders if he isn't a little glad to be done with it, so that he can return to being himself without his party trying to make him into a lumpier George W. Bush.

Obama's speech, well... Jesus, what did he even say? I don't know. It was great, I remember that much, but if you want specifics, you should scoot on over to a website that has some sort of sense of journalistic integrity. This is a blog written by a man who represents himself as a picture of Homer Simpson with freaky anime eyes. And for my part, I listened to every word that Obama said last night, but even as I did, I knew I wouldn't remember it. What I would remember is how he looked, and how Michelle and the girls looked. How the crowd roared for him. How Jesse Jackson stood amongst the thousands upon thousands of people, not saying a word, just silently crying. How it felt to be standing there at that moment, with my arm around my fiancee, who is a person of color herself and has so often felt marginalized by this nation, watching President Elect Barack Hussein Obama speak to the world for the first time. Obama - I'm guessing - talked about moving forward, about overcoming great odds and tremendous obstacles, and about working together with people who did not support him in order to progress as a country. But although I was listening, I barely heard it. I was swept up in the knowledge that - even if Obama were to have a hugely disappointing presidency, even if he were to spend four years cleaning up Bush's messes and never accomplished anything of his own - nothing would ever be the same again. There will never again be a color barrier in Presidential politics. We will still talk about the first Latino President and the first Asian American President and whatever else as they occur, but we'll only mention it in passing. The color of a Presidential candidate's skin will never be newsworthy again. Hallelujah.

Time will tell, of course, but I think we took a big step toward fixing our reputation in the eyes of the world last night. The international community laughed at us when we elected George W. Bush the first time. They gave us their support again after 9/11, but when Bush squandered that support in the blink of an eye, they turned away from us again. And when we reelected him, they simply shook their heads and wondered just how dumb we were intent on becoming. But now, after eight years of dismantled treaties, sweeping deregulation, callousness, arrogance, deception, incompetence, and hatred, we finally said to the world, "We screwed up before. We're sorry. We were going through a rough patch. But we're back now. Look what we just did. Watch what we can do next." We still have a long way to go, of course, but just like that, I think the world gave us another chance.

Of course, Obama was not the only winner last night. This Joe Biden guy also had a pretty good time of it. He's going to be an awesome Vice President. Although the Democrats didn't pick up the filibuster-proof 60 seats in the Senate, we did increase our majority in both the Senate and the House. Those races are much more prone to changes after election day, so I'm not going to say too much about them right now, aside from saying that a Democratic President with a Democratic Congress... wow. Things could actually get done! Holy shit!

Speaking of holy shit moments, last night was also a big night for common sense in regards to marijuana policy. Michigan joined the ranks of those few, but awesome states in approving the growth and possession of medical marijuana. Way to go, Michigan! Massachusetts overwhelmingly passed a proposition to decriminalize possession of up to an ounce of marijuana, meaning that any caught with an ounce or less would simply have the pot taken away and be slapped with a $100 fine, which can be paid through the mail like any other minor ticket. Amazing. I grew up in Massachusetts, and I'm proud to say that my hometown passed this one by a two-to-one margin. Nothing is set in stone with these propositions just yet. Just being passed doesn't automatically make them laws. The legislative bodies in Michigan and Massachusetts could overturn the decisions. But will they? I don't think so. If John McCain, who fought as hard a race as any in recent memory, can hear the will of the people and concede the election to Barack Obama, then Michigan and Massachusetts lawmakers can hear the will of their own people and make these sensible propositions into law. Let's hope other states follow suit and our jails are soon no longer choked with nonviolent offenders whose only crime was loving Doritos.

There were many reasons to celebrate last night, but unfortunately, there were also some disappointments. Neo-McCarthyist Michelle Bachman scored another two-year term in the House, despite revealing herself to be batshit insane on national television. In Minnesota, Al Franken is currently trailing incumbent Norm Coleman by less than six hundred votes. A third party candidate with largely liberal views took nearly sixteen percent of the votes, meaning Franken likely could have won by a large margin. A recount in a certainty, but my heart goes out to Mr. Franken, whose thorough research and top-notch humor I have so often stolen.

Arizona and Florida passed their propositions banning same-sex marriage. Although nothing is final yet, at the time of this writing, California's Prop 8 looks like it will pass with a narrow margin, reducing the number of states that support same-sex marriage from three to two, and striking a massive blow against the gay rights movement. I don't get it. It astounds me that California and Florida, and even Arizona, which unsurprisingly went to McCain but still delivered quite a large number of votes for Obama, could be so dead set against gay marriage. These states are (finally!) willing to have a black man lead this country at one of its most pivotal moments, but they can't stomach the thought of two women getting married. It is honestly beyond me. I defy anyone to watch this video made by two women who got married this summer and tell me that they are a threat to our country.

Disappointments like these go to show that we may have made a colossal step forward last night - and we absolutely did - but we have a long way to go until we genuinely fulfill our nation's promise of freedom and equality to all.

Okay, so it may not have been perfect, but let's not dwell on the bad aspects of this election. At least not so soon. Today, we should be celebrating! I'm absolutely blown away by the huge turnout and the phenomenal support for Obama/Biden. It's a historical moment for African Americans, for all minorities in this country, and for all Americans in general. It's also a damn good thing. Black or white, male or female, we needed something different from what we've had for the last eight years. We needed a big change. And we got it, not by luck or complacency, but by going out and getting it. This is a huge moment for us all.

Thank you to everyone who hit the polls yesterday. You rock. You have changed the country, and by extension, the world. Forever. Kinda cool, isn't it?

Refer to Previous Post

Didja vote yet? Didja didja didja?

I just got back from casting my ballot, and I have to tell you, it feels good. This is history in the making, folks. This is the good stuff.

I wish I could regale you with stories of waiting two hours and then having the voting machine eat my vote and recast it for Daffy Duck, but that didn't happen. Everything was perfectly orderly, and the voting booth, while a tad confusing upon first glance, worked exactly the way it was supposed to. In my district, we have levers. Everybody should have levers. Electronic touch screens are nice and futuristic, but they cause problems. Hell, when I took the written test to get my learner's permit way back when, it was administered on an electronic touch screen, and it screwed me royally. I knew I was in trouble when it asked me a sample question - "What state are we in right now?" - and when I pushed the correct answer, it told me I was wrong. So yeah, I'm no fan of those electronic dealies.

Besides, levers are so satisfying. They give voting that visceral edge that gets people out of their houses and into the booths. When you go to Vegas and hit the slots, which is more exciting - a machine where you push a button, or a machine where you pull the lever? I think we all know the answer. Levers are great, particularly when they make that shhhhhkchunk sound. And did the lever in my voting booth today make that sound? Oh hell yes. It was a good lever. A strong lever. A mad scientist lever. The sort of lever that makes you feel like you just voted the fuck out of this election.

I'll be watching the coverage tonight, like everyone else. And I'll also be watching the news outlets during the day for stories of voter suppression and other such unpleasantness. If there's anything worth ranting about, you can bet you'll be able to find it right here.

so, get out there and vote! The lines were short at my polling place when I got there, but they were growing longer every minute, and by the time I left, they were nearly out the door. Go cast your vote, and above all, Go Obama!

Debate Round-Up, Pt. 1

I've been pretty lax about posting lately, which is inexcusable, as there have been some world class hijinx going on along the campaign trail over the last week or so. Most notably, we've seen two debates - the first between Barack Obama and John McCain, and the only debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin.

I'm not going to spend much time on the first Obama vs. McCain ballyhoo, because I don't feel like there's all that much to say. McCain was smug, Obama stuttered a bit too much. None of this was in the least bit surprising. This was McCain's debate. It was a foreign policy night, and that's where John McCain is going to continue hammering Obama for being inexperienced. McCani's job was to keep the focus on Iraq in order to back Obama into a corner where he would have to admit that the Surge was a rollicking success. Frankly, I'm not too sold on that tactic, or strategy, or whatever McCain wants to call it. Yes, the Surge made a difference, and General Petraeus is to be commended for that, as are all of the incredibly brave and selfless men and women who put their lives on the line to make sure this risky move paid off. So I'll go on the record saying the Surge worked. But that doesn't make it a good idea. If I get in a car with you, and you're drunk behind the wheel, and we crash into a tree, I don't care if you have fantastic insurance that will cover all of the damage. I'd rather you didn't get behind the wheel when you're hammered. John McCain wanted Obama to admit that his insurance policy paid for the complete restoration of the car. But I'm with Obama. I'd rather have seen John McCain lay off the sauce in the first place.

A foreign policy debate was also where Obama was bound to slip a little. Obama was strongest when he was talking about the economic crisis, but many people think he could have hit McCain harder. Lord knows the old maverick deserves it. But really, Obama had to play it cool. If the economic talk had been at the end of the debate instead of the beginning, he could have come down hard, but that was never going to happen. It was bound to be the first topic of discussion, and Obama couldn't start out the night looking like a young hothead.

In a lot of ways, Obama and McCain are trying to occupy some difficult roles. Obama is a young guy trying to prove he has the wisdom and vision of a more experienced statesman. Although he is energizes young voters whenever he speaks to them, when he is addressing the entire nation, which, I'm told, includes Florida, he has to temper himself. But if he plays it too cool, he sounds like a doddering professor, and evidently the worst thing you can do if you want to lead this nation is sound like an erudite, intelligent, thoughtful person. America hates those.

John McCain, on the other hand, is a doddering old man trying to prove that he's still young, spry, and fiery. For the record, he is not. And if he is elected, we will learn that very quickly. Remember when Bill Clinton first took office? Remember how electrifying he was, at least in comparison to what we had been dealing with recently? Everyone was talking about his vitality, his energy, and his charisma, and only about half of that time were they actually talking about his penis. Now remember what he looked like four years later? Bill Clinton was gray going into the White House. At the end of his first term, he was white. By the end of his second term, he was legally dead. To his credit, Zombie Bill Clinton has still proven himself a much more charming and compelling leader since leaving the Oval Office than Bush ever did. Anyway, the point here is that John McCain might have been a great President, had he won in 2000, back when he still had a soul. Back when he could call himself a maverick without making thinking people everywhere want to claw their own eyes out. But McCain sold his soul to Karl Rove in exchange for the dark necromancy required to keep him alive and in politics for another eight years, long enough to campaign once again. Now, with a recent voting record that makes him look like George Bush III, and with Rove's fiendish juju fading in his veins, John McCain is trying to prove that he won't die in office. But the sad truth is, if elected, he probably will. Being President is the hardest job on the face of the planet. Making the wrong decision, particularly at this point in the world's shared history, could literally be the end of life as we know it. Most young, hearty people can't handle that kind of pressure. Put it on the shoulders of a 72 year old man with a history of serious health problems, and that will be that. And then we'll have President Palin. And then we'll all die. But I'll get to her in my next post.

One last word on John McCain before I move on to the VP debate (good thing I said I wasn't going to say much about McCain and Obama, huh?). I resent John McCain and Sarah Palin, but mostly McCain, for ruining the word "maverick" for me. I used to love that word. It's a cool word. It's fun to say. It means something neat. It conjures images of Tom Cruise before we all knew he was crazy, back when we all just thought he was gay. He was Maverick, and we, as a nation, were his wingman. It conjures images of Mel Gibson before we knew he was an anti-Semite, back when we all thought he was just crazy. He was Maverick, and we were his posse. It conjures images of Jack Kelly and James Garner, back when we remembered who they were. It was 1957, and we were not born yet (but John McCain was 21).

A maverick used to mean some cool-as-hell guy who rebelled against The Man. Nowadays, you can't say "maverick" without referring to McCain. And calling McCain a maverick is, in itself, a maverick move, at least if you replace "The Man" with "The Truth." There was a time when John McCain rebelled against The Man, that being his own party. He voted his conscience. He conducted himself with integrity. I am a staunch Democrat, as you may have detected, but I held John McCain in immesurably high esteem. In 2000, I wanted Al Gore to win, of course, but I crossed my fingers and hoped that he would be running against John McCain, so that we would have a Presidential race worthy of the American people. In that wonderful fantasy race, whoever won would inherit the unprecedented financial surplus, as well as the surplus of international goodwill left by Bill Clinton, and not squander it ruthlessly within a single year. Of course, things didn't work out that way. McCain remained in my good graces for most of the next four years. But as the Bush administration wore on, and John McCain started abandoning his principles and voting the party line with such regularity that it could only have been due to political ambitions, senility, or a combination of the two, I lost my respect for him, and he lost the right to call himself a maverick. And Sarah Palin? Forget "maverick," she shouldn't be allowed to speak in public, period. But again, I'll get to her. For now, I have a final question: assuming we're all around long enough to find out, will the word "maverick" ever lose its connection to McCain/Palin? Will we ever get our word back? If not, we need another badass-sounding word to replace it. I suggest "rockules." It combines the awesomeness of rocking with the mythical might of Hercules, who was something of a maverick himself, in the most McCainless sense of the word.

So, from the Original Rockules, that's all for now.

It's On

According to CNN, John McCain is going to participate in the debate tonight after all.

"But Fishbulb," I can hear you cry, "didn't he say that he would only participate in the debate if the Senate reached a deal on the bailout? And hasn't Senate, um, not reached a deal on the bailout?"

You're quite right. McCain's camp gave a statement saying that the Senator feels there has been enough progress made toward a resolution that they can finish it up without him. Oh good. Since we was oh so very vital to the process up to this point. Sure, he may have been virtually silent during the negotiations thus far, and even when specifically asked to comment on a new form of the bailout plan, he may have refused to take any stance whatsoever, but we all know it was John McCain who got the Senate to the lovingly bipartisan point they are at now, where he can feel comfortable ducking out for a quick debate.

Just like it was my angry rant from last night that got him to reconsider his position. Ah, there's no delusion like self-delusion!

Meanwhile, McCain's people have reassured the American people that, "The McCain campaign is resuming all activities." Good to know they're back at work after nearly twenty-four full hours of not having stopped in the first place. I know I feel better.

Be sure to watch the debate tonight. I hope that it will be an open, honest, unflinching presentation of our two candidates and the changes they plan on bringing to Washington, to the nation at large, and to the world as a whole. I also hope that Obama kicks some serious ass.

McCain Calls a Time Out

It's old news now that John McCain has "suspended" his campaign for the Presidency in order to focus on the economic crisis. He claims that he will not attend the scheduled debate on Friday (that's tomorrow, for those of you keeping track) unless Congress reaches a decision on the proposed $700 billion bailout plan that the Bush Administration has put forth in a desperate bid to keep Wall Street going. Similarly, it's also old news that this suspension, like the bailout, is total bullshit.

Let's ignore for the moment that the University of Mississippi, the scheduled host of the first debate between McCain and Obama, has already spent millions of dollars in preparations, because clearly the right move in an economic disaster is to force more people to waste more money. Let's also ignore the fact that the election is on November 4th, a puny forty days away, and the nation has yet to hear the candidates actually speak on the issues in a forum where the other viewpoint will also be represented. Who cares if the next leader of our nation can provide substantive answers to difficult questions, or if he can defend his policies intelligently in the face of criticism? Forget about it.

Instead, let's focus on McCain's claim that he's suspending his campaign. Maybe I'm taking things out of context. Why don't we go directly to his statement from yesterday:

"Tomorrow morning, I will suspend my campaign and return to Washington after speaking at the Clinton Global Initiative."

Okay, that's pretty unambiguous. Just one last little bit of campaigning because, hey, he's already there, and then he's putting this whole thing on ice. But what could he really mean by that? Do you think it means that all the hard working men and women at the McCain Campaign HQ filed out of their offices, leaving the last unpaid intern to shut off the lights and lock the doors? That anyone caught wearing a McCain/Palin button or waving a sign between now and the resolution of the proposed bailout would be risking the awesome wrath of the Original Maverick?

Of course not. He hasn't stopped campaigning for a second. We've seen this before. If I may crib from Al Franken's excellent book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them (and I hope that I may, because I plan on doing it a lot), Republican then-candidate for Senate Norm Coleman pulled this exact tactic after a tragic plane crash killed his opponent, Paul Wellstone. Coleman said that he was suspending his campaign until after Wellstone's funeral. He then proceeded to appear on This Week and held a "non-press-conference press conference." In other words, he did exactly what a campaigning candidate would do, but by being sure to repeat that he was not campaigning, and by using clever turns of phrase (assuming you consider "non-press-conference press conference" clever), he was able to keep his campaign going. I mean, sure, he met with the press, and sure, he gave a statement, and sure, he took questions from reporters who, I'm told, are members of the press, but it wasn't a press conference. It may have looked like a press conference to the untrained eye; to a layperson who happened to be wandering by it might have been eerily reminiscent of a press conference, but it really wasn't. That would have been disrespectful.

John McCain is engaging in some Coleman-esque "non-campaigning campaigning." He's trying to take the high ground, to show that he's more interested in finding a solution that will help the American people, unlike his opponent, who is only interested in being on camera. McCain said, we have to "set politics aside, and I am commited to doing so." But make no mistake, this was a political move. That's why his very next sentence began with the words, "Following September 11th."

McCain had so much to gain by "suspending" his campaign and postponing the debate. If Obama refused to play along, then the Republicans could spin it as Obama caring more about winning a debate than about actually helping the American people. McCain, meanwhile, would look like the guy who cared so damn much about solving this financial crisis and helping average Americans like you and me that he'd give up his own Presidential campaign to do it. And this guy's wanted to be President for, like, eighty years! Can you imagine how much he must want to help America if he'd give that up to do it? What a maverick!

Of course, it doesn't hurt that postponing the debate would give McCain more time to prepare to face off against Obama, who is unquestionably the more natural and inspiring pubilc speaker of the two. Plus, if the Presidential debate was being delayed, it would only be sensible to push back the Vice Presidential debate as well, which would give Sarah Palin some much needed time to shape herself into a halfway competent political orator. God knows that after her disasterous interview with Katie Couric, her handlers are probably desperate for whatever extra time they can grab in order to force-feed her at least some basic factual knowledge of her own running mate, if not actual policy information.

And if Obama relented? If he said, "You know what, John, that's a great idea! Let's put this whole 'election' dealie on hold for a while" and agreed to postpone the debate? Well, then McCain's people might not be able to paint Obama as an elitist with no concern for the common people, but they'd still get that precious extra prep time, plus they could go to the press singing the praises of John McCain and how his take-charge style was so visionary that even Barack Obama fell in line. But of course, that wouldn't be campaigning.

So suspending the campaign was a pretty smart move for the McCain camp. No matter how Obama and his people responded, the Republicans could use it to their advantage. Right?

Obama's camp deserves massive, king-size kudos for responding the way they have. They didn't get flummoxed by this cheap move. They've stayed on message, and that message has been, "You know what, John, you're right. We do need to focus on the economy. So, since one of us is going to be inheriting this problem as President, considering that we both know that this bailout isn't going to miraculously cure all of the nation's economic problems, why don't we let the American people hear our plans?"

Obama has made it clear that he feels more than capable of doing his Congressional duty in the Senate and still making it to the debate on time. The rest of the Senate has backed him on this, even giving Obama and McCain the green light to skip the vote on the bailout in order to focus on the Presidential race. And Obama's camp has lovingly pointed out that the President often has to deal with multiple issues at once. Take a look at our current President. The economy, the environment, Iraq, Afghanistan - he has to botch them all at once!

Will we see a debate between Obama and McCain tomorrow night? We'll have to wait and see. But right now Obama needs to keep hammering at McCain with reminders that the President can't just call a time-out on every other issue in order to focus on one. Whoever wins this election will be taking the reins of our country at a pivotal and exceedingly difficult moment. We need someone who will be able to step in and tackle multiple issues both at home and abroad without slowing down, without giving up, and without having a heart attack. If Senator McCain doesn't participate in this debate, he will be telling the voters that he is simply not up to the task.